caught between vows: proposal for a new "fast"

What bothers me most about the current Anglican crisis (and I do believe we have ben thrust into crisis by the Primates-- the question remains whether or not we will allow a crisis on their part necessitates a crisis on our part) is the human factor. We can argue over doctrine and polity all day long, but where those things really matter is in their incarnational praxis.

I've been asked if I could find a place within myself to willingly consent to the kind of "pause" our presiding bishop suggests we are being asked. How can I possibly answer that question knowing that I speak as an insider? I am a priest who is gay and partnered and who made it through the machinations of the curch to claim the place I now hold within it. Insiders have the kind of voice and power that such a pause necessarily prevents for others. To be asked to use that power over my brothers and sisters is untenable. It potentially places my ordination vows and my baptismal vows in direct conflict with one another. It is a deeply painful place to be.

You know what surprises me? I am surprised by what this crisis brings forth for some of my straight friends and parishioners. I've been surprised by their very clear conviction that if our church does not have the courage of its convictions then they will seek God elsewhere. They don't say it as a threat. They say it out of a deep belief in their baptismal vocation-- a vocation that we gave them-- that all are made one in Christ Jesus and now that that work is done our task is live into that reality. This crisis for them is not about people like me (as much as they may love me and wish to protect me), it's about people like all of us.

They believe the church is less about preserving things like buildings and doctrines and traditions, and more about allowing the love of Christ to set us free from those things that bind us. They believe that closing the door to changes in buildings and doctrines and traditions (things we might choose to do out of love for our traditions and communities) may actually close the door on the Holy Spirit.

I'm also caught by the predicament of our gay seminarians, postulants and candidates for Holy Orders. For some reason I'm in more constant contact with several of them since this mess began. When asked why they should continue on this journey I can only tell them that the "call" is about them and God but the ordination process is about them and the church. They must never confuse those two and learn to discern the limits the latter sometimes places on the former. We're all learning about that right now but I must confess I prefer this side of the collar to the other in which almost all the power is over you rather than even a little with you.

The incarnational power we may lose is with these folks, the ones I call the 2nd generation. Many of them have had the courage to consider ordained ministry because they first experienced the church through the ministry of the first waves of openly gay clergy. Not unlike young girls who felt the undeniable affirmation when they experienced a woman at the altar for the first time, gay folk have claimed their own incarnation as God's children in part because of the visible witness of gay clerics the church has offered them.

I remember back in Memphis when my own baptismal community raised me up for ordained ministry, seeing in me things I could not see in myself. I've used that experience as I've raised up others to consider discernment toward Holy Orders. Most often I see gifts in them that make my own pale by comparison. That's as it should be. The 2nd generation holds the potential for something different for the church in this regard. I long for the church to benefit from their ministries with and to us all. I confess it's a very personal longing, for I fear that we (I) may have lied to them about who and what the church is. We've taught them that baptism is the foundational ordination from which all else flows. We never taught them that subsequent sacraments sometimes call that foundation into question.

If we're not clear what kind of baptismal community we are offering, then I suggest a necessary "fast" so we may get our houses in order and stop the unintended spiritual violence we may cause some in our number. Until we are clear that we, like Jesus, invite everyone to God's table and to full participation in the life of the His body, then we are no longer able to baptize new ones into the household of faith.

I believe that makes crystalline the crisis we now face.

Is anyone else feeling trapped?

Comments

[Marie]

Feeling betrayed? That's me. I've decided I'm sticking around because TEC is where God found me. I think the Church should then have to deal with me, for as long as I can make it in this process while being true to myself. And yes, it made a huge difference for this postulant to see an openly gay priest at the altar, in the pulpit, with the parishioners at coffee hour, at vestry meetings, wherever, whenever. It opened up a world where self-loathing was replaced by a celebration of God's gifts.

And you're right. I never imagined that any of this would be called into question. Never. I'm still hurting over that, still feeling a little like a victim of false advertising. But I'm going to hang around and force the Church to make good on its claim that baptism is the first ordination. Thank you for recognizing the horrible place we're in and the somewhat more comfortable place you're in. And thank you for being there.